Reflections on the Future

Ha, last time I posted was exactly a month ago!  I did not plan this, I assure you.

This might be a little ramble-y but I feel like it is important enough for me to sit down and capture what I am feeling before I lose it.

I have been suffering from a lack of motivation for a long time.  I almost put "I think I have been" at the first of that sentence but I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible so I revised it.  How long this has been going on, I am not entirely sure.  To be safe let's just say since 2002.  Yes, ridiculous.  And sad.  And a waste of time.  What made me come to this conclusion?  I think I have known it for a long time but failed to acknowledge it because frankly, it is embarrassing.  I was always a high achiever growing up and to get to college and stagnate when people who I know I am smarter and more capable than are getting ahead in life is disconcerting.  And there have been things happening lately that made me realize I am not happy with my life right now.  Since my brain works better with lists let's get one going:

1.  New Orleans.  Obviously, it was a great trip.  It made me regret the fact that I waste my life away slaving at a job with no potential where I make no money and I can't do the things I want to do.  I want to travel and see places and do fun things and have new experiences!  When did I become so complacent and un-exploring (can't think of a better word)???  I don't want to turn 50 and realize I am unhappy with my life.  Being there made me feel so alive and happy and I want to experience that feeling more often.
2.  Searching for a real job.  This is a weird one to explain because I love the people I work with and I do like my job sometimes but I hate my job all at the same time.  The central problem is it does not afford me with the opportunities I need to be happy in life.  Yes, I need to make more money.  Not a lot more but enough to be able to let me do the things I want to do.
3.  My 26 before 27.  I made a list last year about 26 things I would do before I turned 27.  I stole the idea from this blog I really like called Yes&Yes.  She just posted a new list because she recently had a birthday and I remembered my list.  I haven't done a damn thing on it!!!!  Literally nothing.

Well really that's all that goes on the list I guess.  There are so many more things that go along with this feeling.  I think because I do work a crap job while everyone else is successful and has real jobs, nice houses, and cars has lead to a decrease in my self esteem whether I like it or not.  Having actual, real chances at a real job have lead me to see that I don't take care of myself or my priorities because of this.  I eat like crap, I don't exercise, and I waste so much time doing useless and pointless things.  I don't nurture the relationships I have with people who truly love me and understand me.  I don't take pride in my appearance or my house or my car or anything I have.

Whether I get a real job or now I have to shift my thinking and start taking care of myself and the important things in my life.  I have to not equate my self worth with the job I do.  So my job sucks!  I need to do other things I can be proud of!!  Run a 5k, bake a fucking awesome cake, train my dog to do sweet tricks, paint, craft, thrift, whatever!  The time for action has come.

So there, I don't think I just don't have the proper words to describe what I am feeling right now.  These are some of the things I need to do but it runs deeper than quit drinking and start exercising.  I feel like I have a new sense of purpose and a new drive and I care more about my life.  It's like I have FINALLY realized I and only I am responsible for my life and how I feel about it.  I am tired of being flaky and irresponsible and it is stopping now.

Sorry this is so ramble-y and inadequate but I hope I have gotten some of my feelings across.

Back to life.....

....back to reality.  Damn, I love New Orleans.  Just something about that city gets me.  Ten thoughts / things from our trip.

1.  Within the first hour of our arrival we saw a dude get his wallet stolen, saved someone from dying, and I got kissed by a bum.  On a Thursday night.
2.  City Park area is awesome.  We took a taxi there and then walked down to a delicious lunch at a pizza / panini place called Nonna Mia.  I think every day of vacation should be started with a Bloody Mary and a bottle of champagne (I didn't drink the whole bottle, promise).
3.  Muse was awesome.  Matt Bellamy may be short and have a bad case of Brit mouth but he is a dead sexy little man.  He wore (as described by my friend) "a disco ball suit".  Silver sequined jacket and pants.  Magnificent is the only way I can describe it.  And envy.  Clothes envy.  Also, check out Inner Party System.
4.  The weather was glorious.  I would move to New Orleans simply for the weather.
5.  I now like fresh oysters.  Acme Oyster's is the way to go.  Adam Richman agrees.
6.  We saw Tom Morello in the Farmer's Market.  He realized we recognized him and zoomed the hell out of there.
7.  Lot of homeless people in New Orleans.  They have a strange breed there that are sort of like townies but homeless.  All pierced and dreaded and sort of punky.  And young.  And they all have pets.  And they all pick up beer cans off the street and pour them into one to make their own unique brand.  Gross.
8.  Mmmm, mmm, food.
9.  We went to a Masonic cemetery.  Double headed eagles galore.
10.  I want to go back soon because 3 days was just not enough time.  We didn't get beingets, ride the ferry, go to the Casino, see all the cemeteries, and so many other things.  Also forgot to buy any souvenirs.

Also, I need a camera because I have no pictures.  Well, I took eight with my phone but they aren't the best.  Check it on facebook.