Ha, last time I posted was exactly a month ago! I did not plan this, I assure you.
This might be a little ramble-y but I feel like it is important enough for me to sit down and capture what I am feeling before I lose it.
I have been suffering from a lack of motivation for a long time. I almost put "I think I have been" at the first of that sentence but I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible so I revised it. How long this has been going on, I am not entirely sure. To be safe let's just say since 2002. Yes, ridiculous. And sad. And a waste of time. What made me come to this conclusion? I think I have known it for a long time but failed to acknowledge it because frankly, it is embarrassing. I was always a high achiever growing up and to get to college and stagnate when people who I know I am smarter and more capable than are getting ahead in life is disconcerting. And there have been things happening lately that made me realize I am not happy with my life right now. Since my brain works better with lists let's get one going:
1. New Orleans. Obviously, it was a great trip. It made me regret the fact that I waste my life away slaving at a job with no potential where I make no money and I can't do the things I want to do. I want to travel and see places and do fun things and have new experiences! When did I become so complacent and un-exploring (can't think of a better word)??? I don't want to turn 50 and realize I am unhappy with my life. Being there made me feel so alive and happy and I want to experience that feeling more often.
2. Searching for a real job. This is a weird one to explain because I love the people I work with and I do like my job sometimes but I hate my job all at the same time. The central problem is it does not afford me with the opportunities I need to be happy in life. Yes, I need to make more money. Not a lot more but enough to be able to let me do the things I want to do.
3. My 26 before 27. I made a list last year about 26 things I would do before I turned 27. I stole the idea from this blog I really like called Yes&Yes. She just posted a new list because she recently had a birthday and I remembered my list. I haven't done a damn thing on it!!!! Literally nothing.
Well really that's all that goes on the list I guess. There are so many more things that go along with this feeling. I think because I do work a crap job while everyone else is successful and has real jobs, nice houses, and cars has lead to a decrease in my self esteem whether I like it or not. Having actual, real chances at a real job have lead me to see that I don't take care of myself or my priorities because of this. I eat like crap, I don't exercise, and I waste so much time doing useless and pointless things. I don't nurture the relationships I have with people who truly love me and understand me. I don't take pride in my appearance or my house or my car or anything I have.
Whether I get a real job or now I have to shift my thinking and start taking care of myself and the important things in my life. I have to not equate my self worth with the job I do. So my job sucks! I need to do other things I can be proud of!! Run a 5k, bake a fucking awesome cake, train my dog to do sweet tricks, paint, craft, thrift, whatever! The time for action has come.
So there, I don't think I just don't have the proper words to describe what I am feeling right now. These are some of the things I need to do but it runs deeper than quit drinking and start exercising. I feel like I have a new sense of purpose and a new drive and I care more about my life. It's like I have FINALLY realized I and only I am responsible for my life and how I feel about it. I am tired of being flaky and irresponsible and it is stopping now.
Sorry this is so ramble-y and inadequate but I hope I have gotten some of my feelings across.
